Two Out of Three Ain't Bad
by KatieBell70
Summary: Sirius is bored and lonely and Tonks is hopelessly in love with his best friend. One night she makes him an offer he can't refuse.


_A/N **Be forewarned**: This is a story that depicts Sirius and Tonks in a sexual situation. If this grosses you out, don't bother reading. I will mention that JKR has opened the way for something like this by suggesting in HBP that they could have fallen in love, even though they didn't; and it has been made clear that cousins have been known to marry in the wizarding world. I wish she hadn't made them cousins, because I think this is an interesting pairing, and rarely if ever explored in fan fiction. She probably wanted to make sure that the way was clear for Remus, who really needed a fighter like Tonks. This is slightly AU, but does not completely contradict canon. _

_Oh, and I realize that none of this is mine, Duh!_

**Two Out of Three Ain't Bad**

Nymphadora Tonks had perched herself on the sloping roof of number twelve, Grimmauld Place, and sat gazing up at the full moon. Nearly dwarfed by the leering stone gargoyle she leaned up against, she resembled a lost kitten, her hair spiky black and shiny and her eyes glowing amber in the moonlight. Sirius Black, who had spent the better part of an hour searching through the house for her, stood watching her under a yew tree in the back garden and wondered if he should risk calling out her name. He thought better of it. He didn't think his cousin's questionable sense of balance would allow her to hold her precarious position if startled. Climbing the steps, he entered her bedroom and quietly opened the window, poking his head out. He could now see that her eyes were suspiciously liquid. He coughed quietly, and then said, "He's my best mate, cousin, but I don't really think he's worth your falling off this roof for."

She turned and looked at him in alarm, her face reddening. "What?"

He took a step onto the ledge, and started to climb up the tiles toward her, saying, "You're out here getting all misty-eyed over old Moony. But we both you are sadly lacking in cat-like grace, and I don't want you to fall off this roof and split your head open. So why don't we go inside, open a bottle of vodka and you can tell me all about it."

"I am not crying over Remus, Sirius. Can't a girl just enjoy the moonlight in peace?"

"No. I'm bored, and you were supposed to come here and entertain me, not mope, or 'moon', to be specific, up here on my roof. So come inside and let's get pissed."

"Ok fine, let's get pissed. But I'm not crying over Remus."

"Are, too."

"Sod off, you mangy mutt."

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An hour later, Sirius lay sprawled in front of the fireplace in the sitting room, laughing so hard his stomach had cramped. The bottle of vodka on the table next to him was half gone. Tonks ran breathlessly back into the room, slamming the door behind her. She collapsed into a nearby chair, crimson-faced and giggling nearly to the point of hysteria. Mrs. Black's screams could still be heard through the solid oak doors, "Filth! Slut! Nasty half-blood spawn! How dare you come into my house and insult me! Vile perverted little freak! Your mother was a whore, too! You are a disgrace to the noble house of Black!'

"Oh, shit, Sirius, you should have seen the look on her face. I'm going to have nightmares for weeks!"

"Ah, she probably hasn't had something that good to look at in twenty years. You did her a favour."

"I'm going to have to come up with something really good to top this." She slid bonelessly onto the floor next to Sirius, looking at him with narrowed eyes "I think…hmm…I think I will dare you to go and moon Great Grandfather Phineas. Or, better yet, you have to show him the family jewels."

"God, no, he'll tell Dumbledore!' Sitting up, he tossed back the remainder of his drink and shivered. "Besides, you have to offer me Truth, first. And since I my life is an open book, I don't need to take the Dares. The only thing _I _have to be embarrassed about is my deep and meaningful relationship with my left hand." He held it up in demonstration, and leaned toward her with a devilish glint in his eye. "Anyway, if you would just admit that you are madly in love with my best mate, I would stop pestering you."

"Sod off Sirius!" She glared at him. "Why don't we stop playing this stupid game and play Gobstones or chess or something? Truth or Dare isn't much fun with only two people."

"So I suppose Spin the Bottle is out of the question?"

"You pervert!"

"Bet you'd play if Moony was here."

"Will you shut up, Sirius? The only reason you are convinced there is something going on is because we are the only two single people between the ages of seventeen and forty-five that you know. There is _nothing_ happening between Remus and I, okay?"

"But you wish there was!"

"No I don't, you wanker!" She scooted over until her back was against his chest, her hips between his legs. He wrapped his arms around her and they stared into the flames for a few moments.

"Besides, it's pretty clear that he is not interested in me."

"How do you figure that?"

"He acts, I don't know, sort of annoyed when I touch him, even if it's an accident."

"Hmmm…" He smiled triumphantly, but she couldn't see it from her position.

"Are you quite sure he isn't gay?"

"Quite, sure, Nymph…So you touch him, do you? Where, exactly do you touch him?"

"You really do have a filthy mind."

"Enforced celibacy will do that to you. I have to live vicariously through you two."

"Well, it's not going to happen, Sirius."

"Fix us both another of those martini things, will you, love?"

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Another hour later, they were both lying on their backs in front of the fire, their legs in opposite directions, and their heads sharing the same pillow. The bottle of vodka was nearly empty, and a bag of potato crisps lay next to it, half full.

"Sirius?"

"Yes, coz?"

"Why doesn't he like me?"

"Trust me, Nymph, he likes you. He watches you constantly."

"He does not!"

"Does, too."

"Well he probably thinks I'm a freak."

"He is the last person who would think that."

"I invited him to the pub last week."

"You did? Good for you! How was it?"

"Turned me down," she grumbled.

He sighed and said, in the general direction of the basement, "Moony, you really are a daft prick!"

"He's not daft, Sirius, or a prick."

"Yes, but he has the self-confidence of a house elf."

"But I asked _him_ out. If he has low self-confidence wouldn't that have made him feel _good_?"

He reached around the pillow blindly, and managed to catch her hand, which he held and squeezed gently. "Not if he thinks he doesn't deserve you."

"Well, that's stupid. Why would…Oh, I get it."

"Years of being chased by angry, pitchfork-wielding mobs will do that to you."

After a long silence, she asked, in a quiet voice, "Sirius, have you ever seen him transform?

"Lots of times, coz."

"What's it like?"

"You don't want to know."

"Do you think he's in a lot of pain right now?

"Not right now so much, but earlier, yes."

"Why won't he let anyone help him? Why is he alone right now?"

"He's ashamed, Nymph, he hates feeling helpless."

"I think I might…love him, Sirius."

"Of course you do, Nymph."

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Still another hour later, the vodka bottle was empty and lying on its side. The gin bottle next to it was nearly half gone, and next to that there was a plate covered in brownie crumbs. They had turned the wireless on, and there was a slow, soothing jazz-like song playing on the WWN. Tonks leaned up against the chair next to the fire, and Sirius had rested his head on her lap. His eyes were closed, and she absentmindedly played with his hair.

"Sirius?"

"Yes, Nymph."

"I've really enjoyed getting drunk with you this last year."

"Me, too coz."

"No, I know it has been miserable for you to be here, and I'm sorry you can't have more of a real life. I just wanted to let you know that I come here because I like hanging out with you."

"No, you come here 'cause you're hoping to see Remus." He opened one eye to see her blush and roll her eyes at him

"Git."

"Slut."

"Wanker."

"Unfortunately, true." Both eyes opened and he grinned wickedly

"Want me to try and smuggle a girl in for you?" There was laughter in her eyes but also a trace of sympathy.

"What are you, my pimp?" He reached up and touched the tip of her nose playfully.

"I bet I could manage it."

"Somehow, I don't think Dumbledore is going to be writing down the address for some random tart. Not that I don't appreciate the offer."

She was silent for a few moments, deep in thought. Finally she spoke again, just after his eyes had drifted closed. "Sirius?"

"Yes, coz?"

"Would you…I mean have you…Oh, bugger, forget it."

"No, spit it out, coz. What do you want me to do for you?" He rolled over on his side and propped his head up on his elbow.

"Nothing." She pulled up her knees and wrapped her arms around them.

"You want me to put in a good word for you with Remus? Already done."

"No, that's not…what? Wait a minute! What exactly did you say?" She suddenly sat bolt upright, looking at him with narrowed eyes.

"Merely pointed out that a metamormagus is every blokes fantasy." He waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

"You did not!"

"Did so!"

"Great, now you make me sound 'unattainable'."

"So sorry. Next time I'll tell him that you are very much 'attainable,' indeed."

She reached over and smacked the side of his head, hard enough to make her irritation clear. "Oh, sod off, will you?"

"So, what did you want me to do for you, coz?"

"Forget it, the offer is closed."

"What offer? I thought you were asking me to do something for you?"

"Forget it, it's was a mad idea." A blush began to creep up her cheeks, intriguing him.

"I happen to be very fond of mad ideas."

"Drop it, Sirius." Now she was blushing furiously.

"I am going to have to tickle it out of you." He sat up quickly, holding out his fingers threateningly.

"Really, Sirius, please…"

He pounced, knocking her to the floor and pinning her with his body. He tickled her ribs mercilessly.

"All right, all right! Stop it! I was going to offer to…help you." She looked away at the last part, and her voice lowered to where he had to strain to hear it.

"Help me with what, coz?"

"With your prob…Oh, Bollocks, I was going to offer to shag you!"

"What the hell? Are you fucking insane?" He jumped off her as if she was on fire, and slid away from her until his back was pinned against the settee.

"Oh, gee, thanks Sirius! Way to make a girl feel wanted!" She resumed her position against the opposite chair. Reaching behind her, she grabbed the bottle of gin. She took a large swallow directly from it and grimaced.

"Nymph, this is absolutely ridiculous! We're cousins!"

"Once removed! And how many of our relatives have married and had children with cousins? I know for a fact that your mother and my grandmother had tried to arrange a match between Mum and you!"

"Oh, fuck! That makes it even worse!"

"How?"

"I could have been your father!" He grabbed the bottle from her and took his own swig.

"Only if you had gotten married at eleven! Besides, do you think you really would have gone along with it? Or Mum, either for that matter? All I am saying is that we are not as closely related as you seem to think! And I haven't suggested that we have babies together! I just thought that maybe we could, just once…"

He couldn't look her in the eye. "Aren't you in love with my best friend?"

"…Who wants nothing to do with me!" she spat out.

"Oh, hell, Nymph, you know you could have anyone you want…"

"No, I can't! He's the only one that I want and he doesn't want me! I've been waiting around for months, dropping hints, and hoping he would make a move. Then I finally got the courage to ask him out and he acted as if I have some nasty disease! I'm sad and I'm lonely and I haven't had the heart to go out with anyone else since about a month after I met him." Her voice softened and she continued. "It occurred to me that maybe we could help each other; that it might feel good to be, you know, _touched_ by another person. I didn't mean to offend you, Sirius. It's just…well, exactly how long has it been?"

"You really don't want to know," he said bitterly, as the impossible idea began to stubbornly take root in his brain.

She sat up on her knees and moved a little closer to him, touching his hair with one of her hands. She whispered, "Sirius, you know, I wouldn't have to be myself, I could be…_anyone_."

He watched in a choked panic as her hair began to change from spiky black to ash blonde, and started to grow down the length of her neck, curling softly. His pulse began to speed up a little. He could not, would not, even consider doing this.

"Oh, shit…"

"Do you remember what it felt like to kiss someone, Sirius?"

His heart began to pound in earnest now, as she moved closer and held his face between her hands, looking at his mouth with interest. The color of her eyes morphed from amber to smoky gray, matching his own. Her eyes then changed shape from her usual elfin slant to wider, and golden lashed. Her lips grew fuller, and her face lengthened from heart shaped to oval. Her pale skin gradually took on a sun kissed glow. She licked her lips and smiled before bending to plant a decidedly un-cousinly kiss on his shocked, open mouth. Every drop of blood in his body began to race towards his groin. His hands seemed to move of their own volition to the small of her back as she slid her arms around him. Somewhere in the back of his spinning mind it occurred to him that her backside seemed a fair bit fuller than he would have thought it had been_. She changed that, too, of course, and what kind of sick fucker notices his baby cousin's arse in the first place? I'll bet her tits have gotten bigger, too._ When her tongue slipped inside his mouth to brush against his, he began to feel his resolve slipping away. _It just feels so goddamn good_, he thought, as she moved over to straddle his knees and he felt her breasts pressing enticingly against his chest. _Definitely made them bigger_. One of the hands that had been possessively holding on to her arse slid up her waist and torso to cup a breast, tentatively. Her moan of pleasure was enough to convince his other hand to do the same thing and he circled her nipples with his thumbs, feeling their reaction through her tee shirt and bra.

She pulled away from his mouth and said, breathlessly, "Come on, Sirius, you have to admit that it feels bloody amazing." He grunted and she slid her hands down his chest, kissing his neck and unbuttoning his shirt along the way. When she flicked her fingertips over his nipples, he groaned and fastened his mouth on her neck, sucking and biting in turns. She shivered in response, pressing her body against his erection.

She slowly slipped his shirt off and raked her fingernails up and down his bare back, wreaking havoc with his nerve endings, and causing his muscles twitch in reaction.

"Mmm, Sirius, you've put on some lovely muscle. What've you been doing, wrestling Buckbeak?"

"Moving furniture," he murmured against her ear. "And chasing Kreacher up and down the stairs, nasty little spy."

She looked up mischievously as she had started kissing her way down his chest, "Try not to ruin the mood, Sirius. Wouldn't he just _love_ to tell your mother about this?"

"Oh, fuck! Please don't mention my mother, Nymph!"

"No harm done, I see," she said with a smirk as she ran her hands over his crotch and unbuttoned the top of his trousers.

He instantly felt like she had set fire to his skin, and groaned, "Nymph, fucking hell, how did you get so bloody good at this?"

"I'm probably rubbish," she laughed, her mouth against his ear. You've just been deprived so long you don't know the difference."

"No, trust me, you are goddamn hot." He couldn't keep his hands still. Her hair, her skin, and her curves all looked and felt so amazing, so blatantly female. He wondered how he had ever managed live without this.

"I want this to be a night you never forget, Sirius." She pushed him back on the floor, straddling him, and pulled her tee shirt over her head. Her recently expanded breasts were spilling over the top of the lacy purple bra she wore, and he momentarily lost the ability to think coherently.

He swallowed the lump in his throat, then said, "Just as long as you don't call out Remus' name when you come."

"I don't think I'm bloody likely to forget who I'm with tonight." She opened up the front clasp of her bra and slipped it off, then she pulled his hands up to cup her breasts again.

He was having trouble catching his breath. She leaned over, and took his earlobe in his mouth, her breasts brushing against his chest maddeningly. She whispered, "But I want you to forget. I'm going to be every single woman you didn't get to fuck for the last 14 years."

Her face and body transformed again. In one quick glimmer of change, she had long, shiny black hair, almond shaped eyes, and golden skin.

She kissed her way back down his chest, then ran her tongue over his stomach, circling his navel. She lifted her head up and smiled while she finished unbuttoning his trousers. She slid them off of his narrow hips and down his legs, kissing his skin as she uncovered it. Then she tugged his boxers down the same way, and on the way back up, ran her tongue up the length of his erection.

"Oh, shit, you're going to kill me, Nymph," he said in a strangled voice, as he sucked in his breath. She grinned wickedly and started to slide her body back on top of his, but he rolled over and pinned her with his own. If he was going to go to hell for this, he was determined to enjoy himself first, and make damn sure that she did too. He pulled her arms up above her head and held her wrists fast with one of his large hands. He bent his head and fastened his mouth on one of her breasts. She shuddered and made a little mewling sound. He unfastened the buttons of her faded and patched jeans then thrust his other hand inside to find her hot and soaking through her knickers. "Holy shit, Nymph!"

He tore away the rest of her clothes and began to feast on her skin, touching, kissing, licking and biting until she was writhing beneath him, digging her fingernails onto his arse with one hand, and scratching welts into his back with the other. He looked into her face, and she had become an auburn-haired vixen, with penetrating blue eyes, slightly freckled skin, a pert, upturned nose and a wicked smile.

"Inside me, now, Sirius, hurry."

He inhaled a great gulp of air and took the plunge.

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Two hours later, Sirius sprawled out again by the fire. The bottle of gin had fallen over, unnoticed and spilled onto the priceless rug, soaking into the mess of potato crisps and brownie crumbs. The wireless had been hexed into oblivion about an hour earlier when a particularly irritating Celestina Warbeck song had started playing, distracting the pair on the floor.

Tonks had curled up against him, sleeping soundly under a conjured blanket. He wasn't quite ready to collapse into oblivion, himself. Every muscle in his body ached deliciously. He felt more alive, more human, than he had felt in over a decade. The closest thing he could compare it to was his flight to freedom on Buckbeak's back. His mind reeled with the sensations, a blur of sights and sounds, smells and tastes, all of them intoxicatingly erotic. It was breathtaking how she had seamlessly changed into every woman he could have created in his wildest fantasies. The colours of her hair had mesmerized him, chocolate brown and warm honey, silvery blonde, deep auburn, satin black and vivid red. The texture had varied, too, from a sleek curtain to rolling waves, corkscrew curls, and tightly woven braids, in all lengths and styles. Her skin had changed, from ivory to golden, from copper to mahogany, and her eyes had circled the colour spectrum. Her amazing, versatile, flexible body had inflamed him, welcomed him, teased him and punished him. She had dragged him from peak to peak, pulling him a little higher each time until he had thought that he would die from pleasure. But the most spectacular, the sexiest thing of all had been watching her revert to her true form every time she had climaxed.

She was a bloody miracle, and he would never forget what she had given him tonight. Once again, his mind drifted to the wolf sleeping a few floors below in the basement. Tonks deserved to get what she wanted, didn't she? And Remus deserved this woman's love. He was going to do everything in his power to make sure that they found their happiness together.

**The End**

_A/N So, are you repulsed or was it intriguing? Let me know what you think. I was a little unsure about posting this one, so feed my fragile ego, won't you?_


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